Reflection

Guten tag!

As everyone knows, it is the day that people enjoy to celebrate by drinking too much, making last minute regrets, and creating goals that may or may not be fulfilled in the next 365 days. Of course, this also includes reflecting on what has occurred during the past 365 days…

I suppose in some ways, my life has completely changed and in others it is still the same. If we look at it through world events, it is a completely new technological era and we have developed so much that if we were to go back ten years ago to 2006, they would not believe we would have half of the things we do. However, regardless of how technologically advanced we become, we are still incredibly primitive in our development of social skills. For example, it was believed that racism was a thing of the past, yet there are still reports every month of someone of a different skin shade being excluded for no reason.

Personally, in the past year I have grown as a person, not in the cliche way that people love saying on the last day of the year, but I’ve actually changed a lot from the person I was before. I have moved out of my parents home, I have changed jobs, I have been more honest, gained weight, and, in general, I have become a much better person. Truth is, I actually kind of like the new Katie that has matured into. I was actually recently talking to A about how drastically different I have become since I graduated from high school almost 5 years ago. I believe that if I were to run into anyone that I graduated with, they would not recognize me for who I have become and that makes me proud. I have finally gotten to a point in my life that I actually like myself and I am proud of the decisions I make, even though I know that not all of them are good ones.

I’m still dating the same wonderful man and he somehow still manages to love me, even when I am crazy or have extreme emotions. I cannot believe that I can wake up each day and he still wants to see me and he calls me to wake me up because he loves me. He is willing to work on his honesty with me because he knows that it is very important to me and I cannot believe that I am in love with the man that I have dreamed about since I first saw any Disney princess movie. Wow.

Over the past year, there has been a lot of death in the world, including a few people that I know. This has lead to many different emotions and many, many tears that have been shed, but it has also proven to me just how good my friends actually are. For example, I was having an emotional breakdown in the middle of the night once and I phoned one of my friends (I didn’t phone A because he had to work really early) and she came over without a second thought. I was amazed because (I’m not tooting my own horn) I am usually the person who will be there for friends, regardless of what time it is or what the crisis is. I have very few times been on the receiving end of that and I forgot just how wonderful it feels to be reminded, not only by someone who is “supposed” to love you (aka. A) but by your friends as well.

Even though life has the ability to get me down sometimes, I’ve been learning that it is okay to reach out to people because often times they actually want to be there for you. I get low one day and the next I can feel great, no I’m not bipolar, I’m human.

So party hard tonight, enjoy yourself! And maybe make some goals for the new year.

XO

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Nowhere Fast

Hi Strangers.

I know it has been a very long time since I have blabbed on this, but I figured it is September so why not start up again…Right?

As some of you may be aware: I have issues with being patient and waiting for things to come. I often get frustrated and don’t come across exactly how I would like to because I get upset. I guess I kind of feel like I am stuck in a rut in all aspects of my life and I am becoming more and more frustrated about it because I “can’t” do anything about it.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with my relationship and letting go of the control of when A gets to move in with me and that whole can of worms. I found out last night that there is something that I have done wrong or my apartment in general, but my boyfriend didn’t want to bring his cat over for a play-date with mine and he didn’t even have a reason. That kind of upset me because I personally don’t see the big deal of having a cat over for a few hours just to socialize it and give it a new place to explore, but whatever. Maybe it is the one thing that he can definitively choose that isn’t “ready” to move in until he becomes ready. I honestly don’t know. I just thought it would be fun…

I’m also struggling a lot with being patient for my body to change. Unfortunately, after starting my new office job (yes, sitting down ALL day) I have gained weight. I absolutely despise it. I have never been so big in  my life and my BMI says I am overweight and very close to being obese…I know that BMI is outdated, but I still saw that I was that large and it freaked me out. Of course, since I don’t get results right away from eating a healthy meal here or there, or going to the gym – I have been struggling with finding the motivation to actually follow through and do it. I know I will feel better once I start, but I cannot get myself to that starting point. I wish that working out would be a mental thing of “working to be healthy” instead of “working to lose weight and look good” because it would be less exhausting for me, perhaps.

I guess a positive thing that I have started working on is my compulsive apologizing. I am probably one of the worst people for apologizing because I genuinely believe that whatever happens is my fault and I should be fixing it. I literally apologize for everything and I know that it drives people, especially A, nuts because after saying “sorry” so often, it begins to lose its meaning. So…I have decided that every time that I feel the need to say sorry or it accidentally slips out, I am going to replace it with gratitude. For example, if something happens and I feel like I have been speaking for a long time, normally I would say I’m sorry for being annoying and talking your ear off, but now I am going to change that to be Thank you for being patient with me while I try and sort out my thoughts. It is basically saying the same thing, but it has a more positive twist on it. There has been so much research done on the power of gratitude I figured: I may as well try it, I don’t really have anything to lose, right?

The major thing that I have to come to terms with is the fact that my entire life (up until now) I have been moving in fast forward and I don’t like feeling stagnant in life with nothing new happening. I haven’t quite figured out why that is, but I am starting to discover that I should trust other people and their decisions because my timeline isn’t the only one out there. I wish it was, but unfortunately everyone has a different agenda. And it sucks at times.

Peace out.

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Unwell

Heyo.

I cannot stand the way my brain thinks sometimes…It is honestly insane and it takes all my energy to try and control my actions that may result because of the thoughts, but to control every single action/word would be impossible since it is completely overrun by insanity.

I’m not sure how much of this post will make sense to the average reader, for which I apologize. I am just very frustrated with how my Katie-brain interprets and sees things. For (a petty) example, if someone opens a message from me and does not reply (one that includes a question) I automatically take it as me being incredibly pushy and intense, which scares them off. Obviously from my one message they have gone from being my friend to hating my guts, simply from one message asking them a question. The logical part of my brain tells me that I am being silly because I too have a flaw of opening messages and completely forgetting to reply because something else grabs my attention. Another example is not feeling like I am worth anyone’s time because of various reasons. I am introverted so it gives me energy and replenishes me to have one-on-one time with friends, but when a friend all of a sudden is inviting more friends along, I feel anxious and don’t want to see anyone because I feel vulnerable and emotionally ugly. Or if a friend makes plans with me then forgets or suddenly changes them, I feel unloved/unworthy of their time.

I think that a big thing for me is that I feel neglected by people a lot of the time and I somehow convince myself that I make 100% of the effort in all of my relationships (not in a self-praising way, but more in a “look at how much work you put in and it’s still not good enough”) and when people don’t reciprocate, it kills me inside because it is just reinforcing my insanity, and one of my many screwed up core beliefs that I am not good enough for anything and that I am a failure.

For some reason, when I feel needy I feel as though it is a huge character flaw and something that I need to be ashamed of. I apologize profusely (much to my close relationships annoyance) because I feel like there are a thousand other much more important things in their life that it shouldn’t matter what my petty little world needs and it isn’t right for me to be so demanding of their time or focus. However, the logical part of me knows that isn’t true. Yes, being needy constantly 365 days of the year is a little much, especially to be requiring that attention from one person. Having needs, however, is not a flaw. Everybody has needs and they all show/express them in different ways. Needs, similar to emotions, are very natural and everyone has them (regardless of how hard they try to hide them); even babies have needs and emotions, but that is fine because they are babies. WRONG! Everyone is allowed to feel things and express a need for them. It is strange that there are different standards for needy-ness. Sexual needs, hunger needs, fatigue needs — these are all acceptable, but as soon as we get into emotional needs, companion needs, or social needs they become unacceptable and things that we need to fulfill ourselves…Which is not possible.

So, A, I am sorry for always putting you through so much. I hate playing mind games and I try my hardest to be straight up with you, but sometimes I just wish that you could read my mind. It would make my life a lot easier, but unfortunately life (especially mine) was not made to be easy, and with that comes relationships. I am so grateful that I have a man who is eternally patient with me and loves me more than I think I will ever be able to understand because it is more than I thought I would ever receive (let alone deserve). I love you, A.

Have a wonderful week lovely people. Get out and enjoy some weather (whether it is rain, snow, sun, and/or wind) because it rejuvenates us as well as people do.

Peace.

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Afire Love

Howdy.

Have you ever just woken up and realized how much you truly love someone? Well I realize it every day. I never ever would have thought that I would be with someone who can bring me the greatest amount of joy I have ever felt, and also support me through tough decisions that I have to face. I have never had someone like him to help me through my really hard days where I want to give up on everything, and he doesn’t even bat an eye or complain that I’m being a downer.

I know that it is crazy to be so madly in love with someone while I’m in my early twenties, but I know that he will be my husband one day and I can actually see myself having a future with him. That is saying something for me. I used to believe (really believe) that because I couldn’t picture a future for myself I probably didn’t have much of a future and especially that I wouldn’t get married or fall in love. However, since knowing A my whole life has changed and he has brought hope into my life which is a concept that I had lost a long time ago due to various life experiences.

I cannot believe the man I am in love with. I know for sure that there is not another one like him in this world and I am so lucky that it never worked out with any other girl or else he wouldn’t be all mine. I used to get confused and not understand what people would say when they would talk about how their significant other was their best friend, but since being with A I get it. I drafted this letter to him a few months ago, and I don’t believe that I sent it off to him, but it is very true. He was gone away on holiday with his family and it was really hard on me not having him only a phone call away or a short drive to see each other and it was our first time truly being away from each other in eight months.

With you being gone for so long I’ve realized some stuff..

I realize that every time anything happens in my day the first thing to come into my head is “I have to tell A about this”. And every time I go on my phone I want to talk to you. Whenever I’m feeling anything (regardless if it’s good or bad) I can’t help but think ” I wish A were here so he could laugh at me or comfort me or hug me… ” My automatic thought whenever someone asks me what my plans are or what I want to do that day, it’s always anything to do with you.

I know I’ve been really emotional and sad lately and I’m really sorry to do that to you while you’re away. But I guess the good part about my low times is that it helps me to reflect and realize what’s important to me. Also it somehow allows me to figure out what makes me feel the most joy and where I feel home.. As crazy as it may make me: I’m so madly in love with you, A. No matter how many times I question you about your love for me, I will always love you. I have never felt so at home with someone before or been able to feel so many emotions (… Usually I shut them off) but somehow you’ve changed me and made me into a better version of myself, and it makes me want to keep trying to be better, not perfect because no one is, but better.
You are seriously my best friend, and I didn’t really realize it until this week, but anytime I feel shitty or too tired at life to do anything, I somehow always can find energy to see you because you …. This may sound kind of weird… It’s almost like you bring me back to life and you’re able to help me see straight again when I get stuck in Katie-brain. The one shitty thing about me feeling more emotions is that I still can get super low… But you have no idea how comforting it is to know that the love of my life is there for me and has my back in every situation. I love you so much, A.

The funny thing about loving him is that it isn’t just one thing about him that I am head-over-heels for, but it is everything. I love the way that he can give me one look and we both just burst out laughing. I love that we can completely be ourselves and not be self-conscious because we both trust that the other would never judge us. I love that just the touch of his hand or smelling his scent on my clothes can make me feel so calm, it’s as though the rest of the world and all of my problems disappear and I am safe with him. I love the way he looks at me when he tells me that he really loves me. I love how warm his eyes are and that when he is joking around you can tell that he is having a blast because of his eyes. I love how much of a child he is in the best kind of way and that we can watch Disney movies until dawn because he loves them almost as much as I do. I love that there is nowhere else in the world I would rather be than in his arms because there is nothing as safe as being held by the man I love and knowing that he would do anything to protect me from hardships. I love how much he cares about me because when we watch a movie that is sad (or I just cry during) and he just looks at me and laughs (not in a mean way, but in a surprised-that-I’m-crying kind of way) and just hugs me until I stop. I love that we don’t fight with each other because we value each other so much we would rather just have a conversation than yell and scream at each other. I love that he has more patience with me than I ever believed to be possible, and that I really believe he would wait for me to be ready to talk about something rather than pressuring me, or that he doesn’t get mad at me for messing up so often, but he knows I don’t do it on purpose and he just tries to help me. Lastly, I absolutely love that he can make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world just by the way he looks at me and doesn’t even compare me to other girls around us, because he doesn’t care what they look like if they “aren’t you”.

I just want to tell the whole world about this man and how crazy he makes me because I can’t handle being away from him for so long because my heart misses him. I know that our parents and everyone thinks that we are crazy for being so crazy about each other, but we don’t care. I would do absolutely anything for my man and I know that he would do the same for me. It’s funny how love can change people and also make them do the darndest things…

Peace out, lovers.

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Frustrated. 

One of my best friends wrote this. It is crazy how accurate it is to my thoughts on my body. And no matter what people tell you it just …. Doesn’t seem true. And this is what I need to say but can never find the words to say.

The Debonair Warrior

Hey friends.

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I wrote. Lots of things going on but nothing substantial enough to write about.

This post comes about for the same reasons as posts in the past: self esteem.

To be more specific, how shitty mine is.

I’ve been struggling really badly lately and it’s not getting better.  I’ve beaten myself at my own game before in my life and tricked myself out of thinking detrimental things, somehow.

But only after about 19 years of hating who I was.

Now, it’s taken a bit of a turn.  A better word may be “nosedive”…

When I was younger, I used to hate literally everything about myself, but my self loathing is now channeled into one specific area.  Physical appearance.  And since I know that no one will probably read this, I’m going to hope that it will be cathartic for me to…

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Someone New

Hey Cyber People,

I am a fucked up person. I never really realized how much everything affected me from when I was young. I mean I will randomly have a little insight into my childhood and my silly little self, but there are moments that I realize truly how badly I interpreted everything.

In short: I was a very sensitive child and, unfortunately, would misinterpret many different circumstances to be the result of something that I had done (even if that was completely opposite of the truth). But one thing that is hitting me hard tonight is that because of some things that happened to me when I was young, I began to believe at my very core that something was wrong with me and that I had to better myself to please everyone around me, but also that they would never be happy because they would be able to easily find someone who is better to replace me. So I felt very disposable and very insignificant.

It sucks being an adult now and still having that affect me. My first boyfriend would constantly point out all of the good looking girls around us whenever we were out, and this obviously reinforced my belief that I was not good enough for him because there are a million other girls out there who could be his girlfriend. My second boyfriend was very Christian (which is not a bad thing) and seemed irritated when I didn’t have as much knowledge as he did about anything, and even though I was struggling with my faith he couldn’t accept that — also, reminding me that I’m not good enough to be his girlfriend because I didn’t have everything figured out. My summer fling (the asshole) basically just used me. If that isn’t self explanatory I don’t know what is, but I knew that I must not have been good enough at whatever we did because he really had no respect or kindness for me.

The stupid thing that people find confusing about me being affected by all of these negative experiences is that none of these guys ended it with me, I always was the ender. I suppose I have some self-respect somewhere deep inside of me … It likes to make guest appearances here and there just to keep me kicking.

Now we are fast-forwarding to the present …

I have the absolutely most wonderful boyfriend who I am madly in love with. But because of my first twenty years of experience and life, I don’t react the way that the sane part of my brain tells me to. I am completely unable to believe or understand how one person can actually love me and not want anyone else or be unhappy with me. Even though he tells me he loves me, and the way he looks at me I can see it, I can’t help but get worried that one day he will meet someone new or realize that he doesn’t want to deal with my shit anymore and just leave. I feel so stupid sometimes because I get worried for no reason when he hangs out with other girls, even though I absolutely trust him and am not in the least jealous that he is spending time with his friends (I mean, yes I would love to take all of his time but that is not fair to anyone), it is just that maybe something will happen and he will realize that he should have the amount of stress that comes when someone dates me. I’m just worried that being around all of his friends, girls or guys, that he will realize that I am just some crazy girl that he does not need in his life.

And he gives me no reason to even think that, which is the completely stupid part of this whole situation. He is so devoted to me and has so much love for me, I don’t even just have to observe it but he tells me constantly. But then off my brain goes sometimes and I just feel like I’m too annoying and clingy for him and that he will want out. It is so stupid.

Peace.

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No More

I am angry. Frustrated. Beaten. Down-trodden. Upset. Stuck.

And I am not going to bullshit you — it sucks ass. I am stuck living at home with everything provided for me at a surprisingly affordable rate of $200 a month, but I must obey the rules of the house. There are not many, but the few that are in place are so constricting that I feel trapped. I must be home by 10pm on a weekday (including Sunday) and my boyfriend is not allowed to stay the night, even if he were to sleep in another room (even though my brother’s girlfriend is living here for the summer and my other brother’s girlfriend stayed over all the time when they were together). It is frowned upon for me to even be slightly intoxicated and in order for me to grow up I cannot make any mistakes because that is inappropriate and are “stupid” decisions.

I know to some people this does not seem terrible and they would say that I should move out, but that is not a possibility right now. I am broke as all hell and I have no way of saving money, even though I had almost $2000 saved up before April. This is because I put $1000 towards my insurance and my parents all of a sudden decided to collect the $700 that I owed them without any notice and all at once. So that brought me down to about $300 and I am fucked. So my parents get mad at me for not being able to save money, but I haven’t had a chance to get back on my feet since April because I have had to continue paying insurance and that is not cheap.

Also, it is very selfish of me to take a break from university at this time because of mental health reasons, due to the fact that my father has invested so much money in my education it is like a slap in the face to just “throw it all away”. I can appreciate the fact that my parents care about me and my future, but if they would just lay off and give me some space, it would be greatly appreciated because I don’t want to do something just because they want me to, or else I don’t even put any effort into it. I don’t know why I do that, but it is something that I believe most people do because they want to believe that they are capable of making good decisions on their own because other people trust in their judgement. Not my parents though. According to them I am just throwing my life away and will not be able to support a family when my husband loses his job or leaves me, because I will still be working a minimum wage job. Obviously.

I am mad at myself for being such a fucking pushover. I absolutely hate that about myself. I am such a people pleaser, still at my ripe ol’ age, that I would much rather see other people succeed or be happy than to allow myself that gratification. In my work life, I applied for a promotion months ago and still am waiting among others to hear back about their decision, but almost six months ago I begged my boss to let me work a few days in a different department because I just needed a break from my same routine every single day and he told me that he would definitely consider me for that position if it were to come up. However, in the past week and the upcoming week, a different individual is being trained for that position and I am livid. I cannot believe that I mean so little to people that they can just ignore the simple fact of someone’s happiness in the workplace. Thanks.

I am frustrated that I have been feeling very low for the past week and nothing is helping. I just want to curl into a ball and cry, which has been a frequent occurrence lately, but it is definitely not fair to my friends or my boyfriend. I know that they still love me and care for me, but honestly..if someone is being a downer all the time, it gets to you and you end up needing space and a break. It makes sense. I feel like that too. I just want to leave everything and run away. Even though that would be impossible, unless I could bring two or three people, I would do it. I just need space and air and I need to get away from everything. I cannot handle being here and being trapped among people who care only for their appearances and material goods. It is not right.

I cannot believe people sometimes. They are so cruel and wrong that it physically hurts me. I cannot stand the fact that people would rather save their precious nickles and dimes for themselves than to spare it for someone who has had a rough go at life or who made a few bad mistakes. I hate that people cannot look at homeless and impoverished people because of their lack of everything (hygiene, money, pride, clothes, etc.). It really reveals  what our society is all about when they can’t even make eye contact with someone like that, obviously because the eyes are the windows to the soul and they cannot bear to have another human see that they have nothing in there but money and greed. Even people who volunteer. I mean that is a great step and is a good thing to do to open up your mind to what is actually outside of your privileged little bubble, but honestly think about it: you get all dressed up (in winter bundled up) in nice clothes that were probably bought first-hand at a store and you probably choose the “shitty” ones (aka. the ones that are last season or older than some others), then you get into a nice car (either your own or someone you know) and drive somewhere to see and observe the way that some people live. Then you attempt to care for them at an artificial level by providing services (could be serving food, giving clothing, giving “love”, listening to them, etc.) and then when the allotted time is up it is time to go back into your nice car and go home, to which you have four walls – a floor – and a roof around you. It is so stupid. Our world is so warped and messed up. I cannot stand being here sometimes.

Try and change some of this hypocrisy. If not you, then who?

Peace.

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What Is Love?

Heyo. 

So I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out from various people what love is and how they can tell when they are in love with someone. I became quite frustrated after a while because most people ended up saying the dreaded three words that I grew to hate, you just know. Well how do you “know”?! You have no idea how much that frustrates me because I had this mysterious concept on my hands of this global phenomenon of “love” and there was no good explanation for it (granted the English language is not helpful in the least for coming up with an answer because we have one word for half a dozen different meanings, and not all of them are in common. Come on, English! You’ve let me down.)

Anywho …

The more times that I got that answer the more aggravated I became because, to me, telling somebody that you love them is a huge thing that requires a lot of consideration due to the immense meaning of the word and I was determined to be “correct” whenever I decided to tell a special someone that I love them. As usual that isn’t the way that the world works and that will annoy me to no end, but c’est la vie. The more digging that I did into the knowledge of knowing, the more complex it became to me. It was no longer just a feeling that is only experienced in certain contexts for a person, but it was a multitude of feelings combining into one feeling of love. Now I know that many people will argue and say that one thing is lust and another is caring, but I firmly believe that if you love someone, it is as though you are pouring all the feelings that you know (such as: happiness, caring, lust, excitement, hope, etc.) into a large pot and waiting for it to simmer, and the product is love. Many people would say that love and lust are completely different and that you can have lust without love, to which I agree. You can have lust without love, but if you really romantically love someone, you have to be willing to admit that a part of you does lust for them. I mean, you are excited to be pressed against them in a hug or to put your disgusting mouth on their equally gross mouth, but it isn’t repulsive because you love them. 

In my own personal life I have realized that being in love with A and telling him doesn’t feel like it expresses it enough. I want to help him understand the amount of love I have for him and that is through hugging or kissing him, because I am only a human who is not scholarly and does not have a knowledge of every word in the English, or any language, that can let him know just how much I love him. And it drives me bananas that I am not able to do that because I don’t have the knowledge, it’s as simple as that. 

Speaking of love …. It is interesting that when you do love someone (at least in the “honeymoon stage”) there is just something that makes you feel that toward every part of them, whether it’s the way they make jokes or the way they dance to their music, it could be anything but it turns out that the very little things that are the foundation of that person, are the things that constantly have you falling in love with them over and over again. I find it crazy that once that emotion starts to grow for a person, it doesn’t stop. I’m not saying that you won’t butt heads, but when you really love someone, the feeling always grows because it is a constantly adapting thing and it has to do with a persons soul and not just their attitude for the day that they are facing — love has to do with who that person, at their very core, is and not with the petty daily trials that they face. 

Peace and love, hippies. 

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Cigarettes and Coffee

Heyo,

Okay so this will probably be a short post because a) I’m very tired and b) I am only talking about one subject. One subject that makes me happy beyond belief and can make me smile for no reason even when I’m upset.

I know that this will probably come across as a lame pubescent teen, but I really don’t give a rats ass because I am not forcing you to read this little webpage. HA!

As you may have inferred, this is about a boy. But not any boy, this is a boy who I knew existed, I just did not believe would exist in the same coordinates as me or even look at me twice in a year, but he does. And golly is he ever something. I have never met someone that can make doing nothing and talking about nothing become something enjoyable, just because that is who he is. I have never felt completely comfortable in my own skin that I can just let loose with a guy and be myself in all ways (gas included) and have them still want to spend time with me. I know that I mentioned before how I was immensely afraid of his reaction to hearing about my past, but the funny thing is — I shared it with him in a way that is completely unique from how I usually break the ice with newcomers to my life. I actually didn’t bombard him with information and just throw it in his face in an attempt to prove myself as unworthy and unlovable (it is a very destructive habit that I have unfortunately acquired over the years I have been around Earth). Instead, I decided to just be patient and see how it would unfold and I trusted that God would bring along timing (maybe not perfect timing because I do not believe in that except for timing with jokes), and boy did he ever.

This boy has a way of making me want to share things with him, not because I am trying to make myself appear unlovable and lowly, but rather as a way of revealing myself to him in a way that I trust him with my heart. It is so strange to me that I want to have someone see all of me because I just want to be honest and myself with them. It is foreign to me, but so very welcomed.

He responded to the anecdotes of my past with so much grace, care, and understanding that I honestly almost teared up a few times. And, you may need to sit down for this one, he actually still wants to be seen with me and still wants to be my boyfriend. Holy crap. I never could have seen that one coming.

Now I am going to go on a little gushing spree – don’t mind me. (Yes, you can enjoy that rhyme free of charge.)

He can make me laugh for no reason at all. I can spend an entire 24 hour period with him doing nothing and just cuddling, and it feels as though I can spend even more time like that with him (completely new feeling BTWs). I don’t think that I will be able to get sick of him because I absolutely adore learning all these new facts and tidbits about him every time we spend any time together and it just feels so incredibly natural and not forced at all. I love spending time with him because he helps me see myself in a way that I didn’t think was possible and he also makes me enjoy life and I notice all the little things when I’m with him. We have a million similarities and a bunch of differences, but that is what keeps us interesting. He is always coming up with movies that we need to watch because he is an incredibly huge movie buff — and it is one of my favorite qualities about him. He actually cares about me. As in he cares about me as a human and as me as his girlfriend. I find it so strange that when I have low moments or moments of insecurity I feel a huge urge to share it with him (never happens with me) and he doesn’t run the opposite direction; instead he responds by drawing near to me and trying to understand. He reminds me of what the real world is like and he is constantly honest with me in a refreshing way, but he still reminds me that I am being hard on myself and that I cannot do anything that will change his feelings about me. So basically he is spectacular and I am such a lucky girl to have him even as a friend, let alone as more.

So suffice to say: this boy is a wonderful human being, and whenever you doubt your love life or you feel that you are spiraling downward into the spinster lifestyle and it freaks you out — just be patient. The best things come to those who wait, and even if you have to suffer through a few rotten eggs to get there, it is always worth it. Tears do more than help with hard times, they build a foundation for something real to live one —- you can’t have a beautiful garden without a lot of working your ass off and a little bit of rain.

Stay rockin.

XO

 

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Happy

Howdy y’all!

So I know that I have been very MIA and trying to figure out personal things in my life for the past month and a bit has been almost overwhelming, but I am so incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends and others around me who support me through everything. Even if they disagree, they tell me and we work through it or I say “fuck it” and just keep going.

So I moved to the city that is right near my school (about a half hour drive to my work / parents place) and a few days into the semester I realized something: my mental well-being had seriously declined and we had hardly even started anything. My problems were getting worse and I came to a frightening conclusion that either I would need to take a break from school or I would seriously hurt myself or completely off myself. I opted for the first choice and I am so relieved that I did it. I am still living in my out of town home for most days, but I feel so much more at peace with life for not having the added stress of school on my plate along with trying to manage my emotional welfare. The scariest part for me was the fact that I had to tell my parents and attempt to explain what was going on to people who haven’t experienced depression like I do (and it is different for everyone and very hard to explain to those who do not understand…so out came the famous Katie-analogies). About a week and a bit after taking a break from school, I got inked. I am so incredibly happy and cannot believe that I am actually a tattooed woman now. It boggles my mind. I love it though.

In the love life … well there have been many improvements. I am currently dating a guy who is able to make me feel so completely comfortable that I can be my honest to goodness weird self and he can handle it and reciprocate the weirdness. This guy is someone who has been on my radar for years and is someone I would never in a million years have thought would go for someone like me. But lo and behold, he is and he tells me that I’m worth it. Although, if I am to be completely honest … I am really scared that when he finds out about my past and the shit that I have gone through that he may get scared / intimidated / turned off and leave me. It has nothing to do with the man that he is, but it is completely my anxiety and depression having a terrible constant conversation in my head that I am not good enough for such an amazing guy like him and that he deserves much better.

I was inspired to blog today because while I was working a day shift, I began to have a bit of an anxiety attack and I didn’t know what to do. I was worrying myself and got trapped in a very circular train of thought that lead me to doubting everything about myself so much so that I had myself convinced that this boy had gotten over me and had realized that I am completely fucked up … in about four hours. Looking back, I know that this is completely irrational and everything, but when you are in that cycle it seems plausible and like something that would actually make sense because of what I believe to be true about myself. Anywho … turns out that in the real world he was just having a really busy day at work, but he did end up spending some time with me and it helped me remember that I was being dumb.

Tonight I had some time on my hands and I decided to watch a documentary on Netflix that had captured my attention because of the title and also the description. It was an incredible documentary and that is saying something because I have never really taken time to watch documentaries outside of class or requirements for classes, this was called “Happy” and the directors / producers or whatever traveled around the world to talk to people of different backgrounds, cultures, and classes to see if they were happy and what made them most happy. It is very interesting to hear about the different studies of what can make someone happy or what someone can do in order to increase their happiness in life. Also, it was very intriguing that some happiness is genetic, some is based on experiences / environment, and the last part is based on training your brain to be happy. That absolutely blows my mind because you never really consider that happiness is something that you can train yourself to feel.

This led me to thinking in my typical spiral way and I began wondering if it is possible to train yourself to trust people or to fall in love. These are both very scary concepts for people and are two things that many people around the western world struggle with because there is a huge fear of being hurt (because that would be the end of the world, right?). It is scary to try new things, this is a concept that people have come to terms with and understand, so what makes becoming vulnerable emotionally more scary than becoming vulnerable in an almost physical sense? In both circumstances there is a huge possibility that you will be hurt, but somehow we convince ourselves that the latter is much “safer” than the first option because physical pain heals. That being said, can’t you also argue that emotional pain does too, but it is just harder to see because it is not an external healing? I don’t know … these are the muses that rattle around inside of my brain.

Peace out.

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