Brave For You

Hi there,

I have recently been through hell. It has been the hardest thing of my life and I really hope that none of you know the pain and struggles that I went through. Anti-depressants are helpful in the moment, but the lasting effect that it has on your body is awful — it is poison. Over the past few months I have been slowly tapering off of them, but last Thursday (September 14) I took my last dose. It was very hard and the days after were pure torture.

At first when I was lowering my dose, it was difficult and I would have 1-2 days where I felt like shit physically and, occasionally, I would have an emotionally “off” day. But that is the thing people don’t realize or understand – the PHYSICAL part of getting off of the drug is the hardest part to get through. If you search for “withdrawal from effexor” on Google, you will read how people have reacted to getting off this specific anti-depressant. It is awful. Half of them have to get put onto a different pill (Prozac) just so that they can get through the withdrawal. One of them even wrote that their doctor said it is equivalent to getting off of the street-drug, heroin.

After I read through that I wanted to cry. I couldn’t believe that since I was on such a high dose of these pills for almost 5 years, I would have to deal with the terrible withdrawal. My mom mentioned to me that this is similar to the struggle that people on the streets go through when trying to get off of drugs, but they don’t have the luxury that I have. It broke my heart. I can’t imagine trying to get off of something that my body had become addicted to without having a comfortable bed, a warm house, and people around that are supporting me. Add to that the fact that they have to wait until they are clean for 72 hours before they can get into a rehab center. It isn’t right, but that is the wonderful Canadian health care system for you..

Anyways..

So I’ve been off of this pill for 11 days now and I have been home sick from work for 4 of those days because I have felt extreme dizziness, nausea, upset stomach and other things (I feel like a Pepto commercial). Thankfully, I have only had one terrible emotional day that included feeling like I was going mental because my thoughts were going a million miles per minute and I couldn’t even slow down enough to breathe. I was literally laying on my bed hyperventilating for around an hour and sobbing. I can’t even believe that it was me acting like that. I’ve never quite felt so removed from my body like that before, and it scared me.

There have been some positive moments, among the chaos that my body is fighting off. I have noticed a few things about myself that I’m actually becoming okay with now. I even posted a typical share-everything-on-social-media-because-then-it-means-something moment on Instagram where I posted a long-winded message about my body-image, and I was quite proud of that breakthrough moment:

For as long as I can think back, I have not liked how I’ve looked for various reasons and in recent years I have gained a LOT of weight (due to a drug I was on). It has been really hard to struggle with depression and weight gain together, but as of last Thursday, I’m clean off of those evil pills. (It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life, but I’m not getting into that now.) After a few days of being off of them, my thinking is finally clearing up and I’ve realized something HUGE and I’m believing it for the first time ever.

I’m okay with my body. I know that it isn’t perfect and it may never be, but it’s mine and it works. I’m going to work at getting fit, but I’m not striving to look a certain way or have certain features – I’m okay with looking different and looking like me, there is only one Katie like me out there anyways! As long as I am comfortable and I’m attractive to the man that’s in my life, that’s all that matters to me. And if I’m constantly finding imperfect things with my body, then I’ll never be happy. And life is too special to throw it away trying to look a certain way in my early 20’s — things are going to change as life goes, so if I learn to love how I look now, I am not going to be down in the future if I gain weight or SAG! #bodypositivity #loveyourself #iamokay #cleantminusfivedays

I felt so proud of myself in that moment because I realized things that I have fought for so long. Society tries to poison our minds with showing how we should look or what we need to look like. That is an example of how my brain is finally waking up to how it should be thinking, and how it was intended to be from the beginning. I find it a little strange that my “happy pills” are supposed to make me feel better, and with that I’d expected a self-esteem boost, but it really comes from being off of them and realizing that I’m okay. I’m enough. I don’t need to have someone else telling me what my worth is. (Although compliments never hurt, and being a words of affirmation girl, I always appreciate that).

So here’s to transforming my life. We can do this. I have hope for every one of you out there who struggle with self-image, self-worth, depression, anxiety, or any mental health issues. I know it may sound cliché, but I understand. I get what it feels like and how it hurts and everything. So if you need anything, just comment and we can support you. As much as it may feel like it in the moment, you are not alone.

Peace out.

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Sedated

Hey people,

I’m bored. That’s it. I am so bored with my life right now and I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel like there are a lot of people in the world who feel that way too, but they just accept it and continue on. For some reason, I am unable to do that. I keep trying to remove myself from reality through becoming intoxicated, but life is just the same, week in-week out.

I don’t think that my life has much purpose right now. And I am NOT saying that from a depression point of view. I am just saying that I am working at a job that I don’t enjoy, for very little money, and I don’t feel like I am helping anyone. I just feel like a robot Monday-Friday. I come to work, sit at my desk, stare at a screen, then go home. Repeat for five days a week. Every week. I know that I should be glad and grateful that I have a job, and I am, but I just feel so unfulfilled here and I need to find a way that I can help other people.

I have no adventure in my life anymore. I go home from work and do the same thing every night. On weekends we have a bit of fun, but it is the same every week. I don’t know how to change things or what I can do to make my life enjoyable because I have very little motivation (and cash) to do anything worthwhile or exciting. I know that I should be thrilled living in a wealthy country with a roof over my head and food on the table, but I can’t. I am not made to just sit and push paper all day. I need to get away from this life and help people.

I hate going through life like I am sleepwalking and not living. I can’t just spend the rest of my life like this, but I have absolutely no idea how to break free from this boring, mundane life that Western civilization has made the new norm. Everywhere I look to find a new path is filling me with discouragement and confusion. I find myself constantly being overwhelmed by things in life such as searching for jobs, saving money, trying to move, etc. and reading things in the news about what is happening in the world breaks my heart. I don’t know how to help save people or just be there for them. I don’t know how to go about doing that, but I need to.

I’m bored and I need something to wake me up, or I will be a zombie for the rest of my life.

Peace.

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I Don’t Need a Reason

Heyo.

Wow. The past month or so has been one hell of a whirlwind, very hard with a lot of learning curves. It sucked, but it was needed. It is hard being in the adult world without a hand to hold on to or someone to lean on who romantically loves you — but the truth is, there are SO many other people that care. Life is more than your lover. I had to learn that the hard way.

It was a very hurtful journey the first few weeks because my entire routine of day-to-day living was ruined. I had a really tough time figuring out what I was supposed to do now that I was single. I had a very quiet phone and almost no human contact, which was exactly what I didn’t need. I needed to be loved and I needed someone (or ones) to hold me and speak words of affirmation to me because life was looking incredibly bleak with no way of getting through it. (I am so thankful for my amazing roommate and family though, they really supported and loved me when all I did was cry.)

This was one of the hardest times in my life. But I survived.

I didn’t just survive, but I blossomed under this difficult time of heartache. I was broken. I didn’t think I was lovable and I was terrified of the idea of loving someone again because obviously there was something fundamentally wrong with me that would make them run for the hills, since that happened (yet again, boo hoo) with A. It took a few days and constant reassurance from my lovely roomie to help me realize that no-this was not my fault. I did not make A leave or force him to change his feelings about me/us. This happened and it is life. I can’t control anyone regardless of how much I try or how much I am doing it out of love. No one wants to be controlled – we were born to be free!

But there is a catch — you have to learn to let go in order to be free.

That is a very hard lesson (one that I still have not perfected and will have to continually work on) to learn especially because it deals with MANY of life’s scariest aspects, such as the unknown, fear of losing it, fear of being rejected, etc.  There is that old cliche saying that is true and it sucks because it is true: “If you love something, let it go. If it’s meant to be it will come back.” How are you supposed to give up something that means so much to you? Especially when there is no guarantee that it will come back or that you will ever have it again.

Thankfully, during my dark times I decided to finally read a book that a dear friend of mine had lent to me (about 7 years ago) called Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge (if you haven’t read it, do it! It is fantastic for finding your identity as a woman — Au contraire, if you want to find identity in your masculinity, they have a book called Wild at Heart). I started reading it chapter by chapter and it was amazing. Somehow, God opened my mind to see that everything that happened in my life was not my fault and that there is a much bigger point-of-view out there. Also, I’m not the only one on earth and it is important to try and see things through another person’s eyes. Once I figured that out, I realized that A was struggling with the fact that he was all of a sudden forced to grow up and he didn’t know how to deal with it. It was different for me having him move in because I had already been doing it for over a year! I knew how to (kind of) budget and I was used to being low on money, but for someone who is new to it there is a HUGE adjustment period. Hell, my roommate and I took about 6 months to get used to each other and our strange quirks, but we are great now.

I realized that I let myself feel bad and I am comfortable letting my dark thoughts control me because it has been what I’ve known my entire life. It is my safe place. I know what to expect when I go there and, even though they are completely destructive thoughts, I am safe. I can’t get hurt if I don’t let myself get my hopes up — or at least I thought that was the case. The truth is that life is messy. We live in a completely fucked up, messy world, and we will get hurt and we will hurt others. There is no way of escaping that but we can handle it in different ways and realize our mistakes (apologize), and realize that other people are messy too (forgive).

ANYWAYS, I got a little side-tracked. So I get comfortable thinking my dark thoughts, even though there is that ever-present optimist that hangs around inside of me (for what reason? I have no idea) and I mope. I get so lost in those thoughts that it becomes reality and it is MUCH harder to back-pedal than to stop the thoughts as they are happening. One way that has worked without fail, is that when I notice myself start to get low or anxious, I literally need to get out of wherever I am. If I am in my room or my apartment and I start to feel like that, I need to get up and walk somewhere. Thankfully, I have this beautiful little pond near my place that I go and just meditate. I sit on the same rock each time and just hang out with God. It’s nice to leave my phone at home (phones bring so much anxiety) and just be present in the day. The endorphin’s don’t hurt either, especially during these beautiful summer days.

Since being single, I’ve been working my ass off on myself. I have been trying to get a handle on my mental health and figure out where I want to go in life. This has resulted in me toying with the idea of moving to a completely different city, getting a new job, re-starting school, and seeing a counselor. Also, I am getting off of my damn pills — But that is a whole other story.

Peace for now.

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Jackie and Wilson 2.0

Hey Guys,

So I know I was upset the past few days on here. I had a right to be, but that doesn’t change the fact that things happen in life and you just have to roll with it, but making sure that you are taking care of yourself and not compromising who you are.

If you read my post from yesterday, you will note that there is a bit of sadness in it and anger. I was advised by a few people to just pack up his stuff and shove it in the hall with a “Fuck you” notice on it. I really did think about doing that because I was hurt.

And I wanted to hurt him.

I didn’t want to hear him out or consider his reasoning for needing to leave. All that I could think of is “He hates me. He doesn’t care about me. He’s an ass.” Against what the common consensus was, I decided to talk to him. Yes, I did take the bitch route and tried to say hurtful things in order to make it easier on me, but that didn’t work because I saw that he was hurting too. There is no way that I could continue to hurt someone that I honestly love with all of my heart. So I actually started to listen to him.

This is the really shitty thing about being in your early twenties: You are expected to do so much and decide SO much, but you have no experience or help to figure exactly what you are supposed to do. You will make mistakes and it will suck. Some of them will hurt yourself or other people, some will be stupid and some will be great. Life is about taking risks and (while thinking of other people is an important thing to consider) it is ultimately up to you, and you have to take care of yourself.

My ex and I talked for hours trying to figure out exactly what happened and what went wrong, but it isn’t always the case. I tried to pry and demand him to tell me when he stopped loving me, but he never did. He still loves me just as much, but he has decided to take care of himself and I respect that. Yes, it was shitty to move in and decide to go back home after a month and a half, but this happens. And I respect his decision because he needs to take care of himself.

This being said, we decided to take some space from each other. We both know that we have personal things that need to be sorted out, but we both love each other very much. This is the blessing about realizing this in the younger years because you still have your entire life to fuck up and grow. This time is for figuring out how to handle yourself and the best way to cope with troubles, because we all know how expensive and unstable life can be. I really do believe that he made a mature decision by realizing he has things to work on and he can’t do that and be what I am needing.

We agreed to not close the door on us completely and to rush things, but most importantly we need to talk about things. We agree that our love isn’t the kind that comes around very often and we aren’t willing to throw that away. He is my best friend and I am his, that makes it all the more difficult to just cut each other out of our lives completely. So we came to the conclusion: once everything is moved out, we have complete radio silence until August 1st and on that day we can let the other know if we are healed or still need more time. Then we will play it by ear as to if we see each other or talk to each other again… Who knows if this is the healthy or “right” decision to make, but we are doing it.

I will always love him.

Peace.

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Jackie and Wilson

Hi.

My boyfriend and I are no longer going to be together. He is giving up on me and deciding that I’m not worth his time any more. He says he still “loves” me, but we all know that is bullshit. Why would you think moving in was a mistake if you still love someone? If you really actually love someone, you will work through things and figure out how to compromise.

I am the only one who compromises with him. It kills me that he is just done like that .

This all started about a month ago when he said he doesn’t think he can marry me. That stung a bit and I should have been strong and sent him packing, but I couldn’t do that. I love him so much that I would do anything and give him anything, just so he would stay with me and give us a chance, but he doesn’t want that. He wants to just have someone to warm his bed.

I understand though, I mean his best friend since kindergarten is single for the first time since high school, so why wouldn’t my ex want to be single so they can go out on the town…

The nice thing about that is that friend was having emotional problems so my ex, being the great friend that he is, went over to console him and make sure he was okay. Even though his own fucking girlfriend was having an emotional crisis, and their relationship was ending. But, instead of being a man and talking to me face to face, he decides the best idea is to fucking stay at his friends house overnight. So I’m really not worth his time or effort or feelings apparently. He’s done with this relationship, so I am too.

I just wish he would fight for me and prove that I’m worth it.

My heart is literally torn into a million pieces and he doesn’t even give a shit. After 2 1/2 years with someone, you would think that they would care about you…Even a tiny bit. This isn’t the case. I love him so much, and would do anything to prove to him that I am worth it. But I can’t. I am done with being his fucking door mat that he can walk all over and not give a shit about. I guess this is just about losing another best friend…Well fuck you. I really believed that he loved me, but how can you really love someone when you so easily just leave and never look back?

I can’t do this. I can barely breathe.

Bye.

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Drowning

Hi.

I remember being a kid and playing with friends or family by hiding under the blankets of my bed (my head where my feet go), which was always tucked in all around. Whenever we would do this, I would lose my ability to breathe and I would begin to panic. It was even worse when someone would jump on top of me and I was stuck and unable to breathe. I felt as though there was a huge weight on top of me, surrounding me in darkness, while also pushing all available air away from me until I couldn’t stand it and would force my way out.

That is how my life feels right now. I feel as though I am in a dark pit being suffocated, and no one really gives a damn.

I feel attacked by my family for being so close and leaving me out of plans or updates on their lives. Also, they like to gang up on me occasionally especially since I am interested in finding another job (away from my dad).

I feel attacked by my friends. I reach out all the time but they are never available for me or to meet up for a coffee. I am exhausted from trying to stay connected to them when it is only me making an effort. I guess this is my elementary school friendships coming back to haunt me because I never could keep friends around.

I feel attacked by my boyfriend for neglecting me and making me feel like I am not worth his time. It hurts me so much that I feel like I do so much for him, yet he barely makes it home to spend time together…Apparently, that is all part of the living together process – but I hate it. I hate that we barely see each other aside from when we are asleep. I hate that he barely talks to me anymore and doesn’t phone me at work (he used to do that all the time). I hate that I feel like the lowest priority in the world to him, but I love him so much that I want to work through this. I hate that I feel invisible to him sometimes and that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, especially because I’ve become a fucking cow. I just hate not feeling important to him anymore and whenever I try to explain it to him, he doesn’t really understand what I mean or he thinks that I’m upset that he’s hanging out with his friends. Although, this is all very fitting considering I’m being abandoned by everyone else I know, so why not my boyfriend too.

I feel attacked by my job. I am really losing my ability to focus on things because it feels very dry to me. I am not interested in this industry and I never have been, but I am exhausted by the thought of finding another job. But I need more money.

I feel attacked by my brain because I know that I need counselling, but I cannot afford it. I don’t feel supported about going to it because no one really cares.

I am exhausted by life, but am not able to take personal time because what is depression if not a mood swing. I should just go home, exercise, drink lots of water, and get some rest. That isn’t how you fix it. I can’t do it. I can’t push away all of my thoughts and feelings just to put a happy face on for the world, it is too hard and I can barely get through a day without crumbling. I’m thoroughly exhausted and no amount of sleep will ever refresh me.

I feel needy and alone right now, and the one person who is supposed to care or want to help me through it, is on his own agenda and couldn’t think twice about whiny old me.

Peace.

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Wannabe

Hi Everyone.

Yes, it has been a very long time. I get busy, I lose motivation, I have ups and downs – deal with it.

I guess a lot has happened since New Years (when I last posted) which means that a quick update is in order, I suppose. I went to Thailand for 15 days in April (such an amazing and CHEAP country that everyone needs to visit at least once in their life) and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years finally moved in with me and my roommate.

Yup. Those are the exciting points in my life in the past 6 months.

I’ve really been struggling with everything the past few weeks and I don’t know if there is any way of fixing it or helping people understand because they don’t. They honestly do not understand. I try and explain it to the best of my abilities, but they just hear what they want and react accordingly. It sucks. I know that people love me, but I don’t know if they only love me because they are afraid if they didn’t I wouldn’t survive.

I’ve spent a lot of time in my head (never a good thing) and I’ve realized a lot. Apparently, it is okay to be selfish and honest about things that you feel and the things that are missing or deficient in your life. It is not easy at all, it is much easier to ignore them and focus on what other people might think or say back to you. But when someone you love and (supposedly) loves you, you are supposed to be each others number one priority. Does that make sense? It doesn’t mean that you have to spend 24/7 together or only talk to each other or do EVERYTHING together. It just means that if you make plans together, you stick to them even if a friend calls and asks to hang out; or actually arranging time to be intimate with each other (even though spontaneity is great). If you aren’t a priority it leads you to start feeling as though you are being neglected and that does wonders for self-esteem, self-worth, and mental health.

Oh well, I suppose those woes shall stay with me instead of causing troubles with loved ones.

I saw a picture on Pinterest of “Things NOT to say to someone with a [mental disorder]” and it resonated with me because I have heard each of these statements at one point or another in my life (sometimes multiple times) and it sucks to hear it. Every. Damn. Time.

“but you don’t look sick”

“everybody gets tired”

“you’re just having a bad day”

“it must be nice not having to go to work”

“I wish I had time to take a nap”

“if you’d get out more…”

“you’re just getting older”

“if you’d get more exercise…”

“it can’t be that bad”

“it’s all in your head”

“you’re just depressed”

“there are people worse off than you”

“you’ll just have to tough it out”

“you just need a more positive attitude”

“this, too, shall pass”

Some people reading that won’t understand what the big deal is to be told to “suck it up”, but what if there is no way of sucking it up? There are days when I literally have to push myself out of bed and avoid being near it because I will lay down and not get up. Other days I will just lock myself in the washroom and cry because I don’t want to upset anyone by them seeing me as a mess, but I need to get my sadness out. It is exhausting constantly fighting a battle between anxiety and depression, and it sure doesn’t make relationships with people easy.

With all of this being said, I do have an amazing boyfriend who I know loves me very, very much and he really is good to me. He is the only person who can calm me down when I’m in the midst of a panic attack. I’m just a very sensitive person (I hate it) and I always have been, and I’m also the kind of person who needs someone to affirm them. I need to hear that I am loved or that I am a good person, because I forget, or my brain convinces me that is all bullshit. I know that it is annoying having to verbalize everything, but sometimes it is important for someone to hear, in that moment, that they are loved or cherished or beautiful or whatever is needed. I know that people can’t read minds, but if you are thinking something about someone, try to just say it. It isn’t always easy, but you could really impact their day and even their life.

Good luck.

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Reflection

Guten tag!

As everyone knows, it is the day that people enjoy to celebrate by drinking too much, making last minute regrets, and creating goals that may or may not be fulfilled in the next 365 days. Of course, this also includes reflecting on what has occurred during the past 365 days…

I suppose in some ways, my life has completely changed and in others it is still the same. If we look at it through world events, it is a completely new technological era and we have developed so much that if we were to go back ten years ago to 2006, they would not believe we would have half of the things we do. However, regardless of how technologically advanced we become, we are still incredibly primitive in our development of social skills. For example, it was believed that racism was a thing of the past, yet there are still reports every month of someone of a different skin shade being excluded for no reason.

Personally, in the past year I have grown as a person, not in the cliche way that people love saying on the last day of the year, but I’ve actually changed a lot from the person I was before. I have moved out of my parents home, I have changed jobs, I have been more honest, gained weight, and, in general, I have become a much better person. Truth is, I actually kind of like the new Katie that has matured into. I was actually recently talking to A about how drastically different I have become since I graduated from high school almost 5 years ago. I believe that if I were to run into anyone that I graduated with, they would not recognize me for who I have become and that makes me proud. I have finally gotten to a point in my life that I actually like myself and I am proud of the decisions I make, even though I know that not all of them are good ones.

I’m still dating the same wonderful man and he somehow still manages to love me, even when I am crazy or have extreme emotions. I cannot believe that I can wake up each day and he still wants to see me and he calls me to wake me up because he loves me. He is willing to work on his honesty with me because he knows that it is very important to me and I cannot believe that I am in love with the man that I have dreamed about since I first saw any Disney princess movie. Wow.

Over the past year, there has been a lot of death in the world, including a few people that I know. This has lead to many different emotions and many, many tears that have been shed, but it has also proven to me just how good my friends actually are. For example, I was having an emotional breakdown in the middle of the night once and I phoned one of my friends (I didn’t phone A because he had to work really early) and she came over without a second thought. I was amazed because (I’m not tooting my own horn) I am usually the person who will be there for friends, regardless of what time it is or what the crisis is. I have very few times been on the receiving end of that and I forgot just how wonderful it feels to be reminded, not only by someone who is “supposed” to love you (aka. A) but by your friends as well.

Even though life has the ability to get me down sometimes, I’ve been learning that it is okay to reach out to people because often times they actually want to be there for you. I get low one day and the next I can feel great, no I’m not bipolar, I’m human.

So party hard tonight, enjoy yourself! And maybe make some goals for the new year.

XO

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Nowhere Fast

Hi Strangers.

I know it has been a very long time since I have blabbed on this, but I figured it is September so why not start up again…Right?

As some of you may be aware: I have issues with being patient and waiting for things to come. I often get frustrated and don’t come across exactly how I would like to because I get upset. I guess I kind of feel like I am stuck in a rut in all aspects of my life and I am becoming more and more frustrated about it because I “can’t” do anything about it.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with my relationship and letting go of the control of when A gets to move in with me and that whole can of worms. I found out last night that there is something that I have done wrong or my apartment in general, but my boyfriend didn’t want to bring his cat over for a play-date with mine and he didn’t even have a reason. That kind of upset me because I personally don’t see the big deal of having a cat over for a few hours just to socialize it and give it a new place to explore, but whatever. Maybe it is the one thing that he can definitively choose that isn’t “ready” to move in until he becomes ready. I honestly don’t know. I just thought it would be fun…

I’m also struggling a lot with being patient for my body to change. Unfortunately, after starting my new office job (yes, sitting down ALL day) I have gained weight. I absolutely despise it. I have never been so big in  my life and my BMI says I am overweight and very close to being obese…I know that BMI is outdated, but I still saw that I was that large and it freaked me out. Of course, since I don’t get results right away from eating a healthy meal here or there, or going to the gym – I have been struggling with finding the motivation to actually follow through and do it. I know I will feel better once I start, but I cannot get myself to that starting point. I wish that working out would be a mental thing of “working to be healthy” instead of “working to lose weight and look good” because it would be less exhausting for me, perhaps.

I guess a positive thing that I have started working on is my compulsive apologizing. I am probably one of the worst people for apologizing because I genuinely believe that whatever happens is my fault and I should be fixing it. I literally apologize for everything and I know that it drives people, especially A, nuts because after saying “sorry” so often, it begins to lose its meaning. So…I have decided that every time that I feel the need to say sorry or it accidentally slips out, I am going to replace it with gratitude. For example, if something happens and I feel like I have been speaking for a long time, normally I would say I’m sorry for being annoying and talking your ear off, but now I am going to change that to be Thank you for being patient with me while I try and sort out my thoughts. It is basically saying the same thing, but it has a more positive twist on it. There has been so much research done on the power of gratitude I figured: I may as well try it, I don’t really have anything to lose, right?

The major thing that I have to come to terms with is the fact that my entire life (up until now) I have been moving in fast forward and I don’t like feeling stagnant in life with nothing new happening. I haven’t quite figured out why that is, but I am starting to discover that I should trust other people and their decisions because my timeline isn’t the only one out there. I wish it was, but unfortunately everyone has a different agenda. And it sucks at times.

Peace out.

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Unwell

Heyo.

I cannot stand the way my brain thinks sometimes…It is honestly insane and it takes all my energy to try and control my actions that may result because of the thoughts, but to control every single action/word would be impossible since it is completely overrun by insanity.

I’m not sure how much of this post will make sense to the average reader, for which I apologize. I am just very frustrated with how my Katie-brain interprets and sees things. For (a petty) example, if someone opens a message from me and does not reply (one that includes a question) I automatically take it as me being incredibly pushy and intense, which scares them off. Obviously from my one message they have gone from being my friend to hating my guts, simply from one message asking them a question. The logical part of my brain tells me that I am being silly because I too have a flaw of opening messages and completely forgetting to reply because something else grabs my attention. Another example is not feeling like I am worth anyone’s time because of various reasons. I am introverted so it gives me energy and replenishes me to have one-on-one time with friends, but when a friend all of a sudden is inviting more friends along, I feel anxious and don’t want to see anyone because I feel vulnerable and emotionally ugly. Or if a friend makes plans with me then forgets or suddenly changes them, I feel unloved/unworthy of their time.

I think that a big thing for me is that I feel neglected by people a lot of the time and I somehow convince myself that I make 100% of the effort in all of my relationships (not in a self-praising way, but more in a “look at how much work you put in and it’s still not good enough”) and when people don’t reciprocate, it kills me inside because it is just reinforcing my insanity, and one of my many screwed up core beliefs that I am not good enough for anything and that I am a failure.

For some reason, when I feel needy I feel as though it is a huge character flaw and something that I need to be ashamed of. I apologize profusely (much to my close relationships annoyance) because I feel like there are a thousand other much more important things in their life that it shouldn’t matter what my petty little world needs and it isn’t right for me to be so demanding of their time or focus. However, the logical part of me knows that isn’t true. Yes, being needy constantly 365 days of the year is a little much, especially to be requiring that attention from one person. Having needs, however, is not a flaw. Everybody has needs and they all show/express them in different ways. Needs, similar to emotions, are very natural and everyone has them (regardless of how hard they try to hide them); even babies have needs and emotions, but that is fine because they are babies. WRONG! Everyone is allowed to feel things and express a need for them. It is strange that there are different standards for needy-ness. Sexual needs, hunger needs, fatigue needs — these are all acceptable, but as soon as we get into emotional needs, companion needs, or social needs they become unacceptable and things that we need to fulfill ourselves…Which is not possible.

So, A, I am sorry for always putting you through so much. I hate playing mind games and I try my hardest to be straight up with you, but sometimes I just wish that you could read my mind. It would make my life a lot easier, but unfortunately life (especially mine) was not made to be easy, and with that comes relationships. I am so grateful that I have a man who is eternally patient with me and loves me more than I think I will ever be able to understand because it is more than I thought I would ever receive (let alone deserve). I love you, A.

Have a wonderful week lovely people. Get out and enjoy some weather (whether it is rain, snow, sun, and/or wind) because it rejuvenates us as well as people do.

Peace.

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