Good morning, God. As we both know, I have tried to make a pledge with you and myself to write down prayers each day this month in an effort to connect with you and reflect on my intentions as the days pass. To be honest, when I ask you to change me or to have your way with me – it terrifies me. I know I should trust you and your judgement on everything, but I enjoy my life here and I’m scared of it changing. It’s felt like so much of my life has been a struggle to find any kind of peace or relief from the pain of feeling down, but recently I’ve been feeling the best I have felt in my entire life that I remember. When I think about it, I really do hope (and am trying to believe) it was all because of you. Even saying that makes me feel incredibly guilty. I shouldn’t “try” to believe, I should just do it. That’s what every Christian book and most people say, and when it comes hard for me I feel guilty. I am so worried I am going to let you down in every way imaginable. Although that is contradictory because naturally as a human I do let you down and it is only by your grace I am able to be loved by you. But that concept is very hard for me to grasp, as you know. I want to understand your grace and your compassion for everyone, but my brain keeps interfering and telling me I need to do more or what I am doing isn’t good enough. I’m sure that is because of how my brain has learned to cope with everything in my childhood, but I really do believe you can help rewire it. If getting off of those antidepressants were any indication, I am so blessed by you. That was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and I am so grateful you were there helping me and cradling my brain as it went through the torment of withdrawal and re-learning. Thank you. I probably haven’t said it enough, but thank you for that. I know it was you who made me strong enough to get through it and I am so grateful.
Why is it so easy for me to look back in my life and know you were changing me or know it was you doing things, but in my present I am too afraid to let you take over? I don’t understand.
I’m sorry that I talk too much about myself with you and I don’t allow you to get a word in edgewise, but I do want to hear from you. I would love to hear from you and what you want of me, but I never know if you actually are telling me something or if I am just to figure it out. The only time I have been certain was that time in Qwanoes when we were looking at the stars. Showing me that shooting star that was just for me was the most romantic and special thing that anyone has ever done for me and it made me feel so special. I know you think I’m special still, but it feels harder to hear it when I’m not away at summer camp or laying in a skateboard park looking at the stars – away from everything and everyone who seems to be better than me. I feel so inadequate and insignificant, especially when I see others who appear to me to have everything together. I know they don’t, but I have a tough time just enjoying their success or happiness or Godliness without feeling negative, please change that. I wish to be happy with them and celebrate with them, instead of having my inner thoughts be negative and jealous. Please change me to be more like you. I want to make everyone I meet and converse with feel special and significant, even if it is only for a moment. It doesn’t mean we have to connect on a deeper level, but I want them to look at me and see you. I am trying to love you, please help me to love you and bring me closer to you. Thank you for the troubles I have gone through in my life (I don’t need to list them for you here) – without them I wouldn’t be who you have made me to be now and I wouldn’t have the capacity to have insight into how others are feeling. I will always be grateful to you for giving me such a heart filled with compassion and empathy, and also justice. Please teach me to use it in a way that is glorifying to you and helps others find you. I don’t want to be two-faced in my life, but to live it with you illuminating my path and showing the world who you are.
Amen.
gentleraindrops 